April 18, 2024

Verba ex Machina

words from the machine

Chicago Cubs Saved From Losing Streak By Giant Space Monster

3 min read
baseball, field, stadium

Photo by 12019 on Pixabay

In local news, a giant space monster is currently eating Chicago, more on this story after sports.

In sports, today’s showdown between the Chicago Cubs and the New York Yankees has been interrupted by a giant space monster consuming the stadium. The space monster, identified by friends and family as “John Huggins”, consumed the sports venue over a period of seven heart wrenching minutes earlier this evening.

When contacted for comment, the Chicago Cubs’ management office indicated that discussions were continuing internally as to whether or not ticket holders would be eligible for a refund. “We are looking at the possibility, and we will continue to work with all of them,” said Cubs senior vice president and general counsel Brian Snook. “We have not made a final decision yet and will continue to monitor the situation.”

This is the second time in less than two months that the Cubs have had to forfeit a game due to their home stadium having been consumed. An investigation is under way by authorities as there are concerns that the giant space monster may have been intentional. “A gigantic space monster eating a sports venue is what I would call, quite frankly, a real shock,” said the legendary Cubs broadcaster, Lou Brock. “There are two sides to every story, you always try to look outside the box and look for the bigger, bad, more evil, bigger things, but in this case I think it’s pretty clear that the monster’s trying to eat us to see what we will be able to do about it.”

Cities around the world, like Austin, Texas, and Sydney, Australia, have witnessed similar stories, as have some professional sports organizations like MLB, the National Hockey League, or the International League Table Tennis Federation. The American Association Baseball Society has even stated that giant space monsters do exist, while the International Olympic Committee has stated that the “monster” is simply making the game in Chicago a bit more entertaining.

In any case, the Chicago baseball, hockey, and track stars have come together today to take on the monster. There were no survivors. “It’s crazy,” said outfielder Brandon Workman. “Whoa!” Our thoughts and prayers go out to Brandon’s family as those were his last words before being consumed by the giant space monster.

“I was trying to catch a fly ball, but I got stuck. Then the giant space monster came out of nowhere and swallowed me. It was just too much,” said baseball player Matt Wieters via Twitter. Cubs pitcher Jon Lester relayed a message via his agent from inside the monster stating, “It was kind of chewing on my arm in the first half.”

When asked to comment on the demise of outfield Workman, cubs third baseman Kris Bryant said, “I’m going to be a little bit sad to see the guy go. I mean he was one of us. We were all there, watching him get eaten. He’s a great guy, he was one of the best. He’s going to be missed, but at the same time I think he’s going to go to his grave with the rest of us in a good place.”

Stay tuned to WGPT Channel 2 News for updates in this fast-developing story.

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